Grandma Bird's Blah-de-Blah: 2009

Some of you know that we are currently involved in a complete renovation of our laundry area of our back porch (for those of you who didn't know, now you do). This project has been taking up almost every one of Steve's days off, and as usual, I am his gopher.

Tuesday, May 26th, PLANS: tear up and replace more of the sub-floor, but first....

get out the ladder and take the cover off of the upstairs air conditioner so that we can sleep when it gets HOT!

Oh yes, and while you have the ladder out, there are starlings in the soffit, so bust out a larger hole in the facia so that you can get your arm in there to tear out all of the nesting materials, and don't forget to duck as two starlings come flying out of the hole at you! Once you have fished out all of the yucky stuff, you'll have to spend a great deal of time covering the hole up so that no more birds can get in again (at least until more of the facia rots away).

Oh yes, and while you STILL have the ladder out, there is another piece of facia board on the other side that has warped and is just begging for critters of any sort to move on in. EGAD! Now that you've noticed that particular problem, did you see the sparrow sitting on top of the chimney cap (which has nesting materials sticking out of it)? So, move your huge 32' fiberglass ladder yet again and get up on the roof and get busy!

The loose facia board didn't take too long to repair -- he banged some big nails into it and covered it with a short piece of aluminum facia (just a quick fix for now -- same goes for the one that the starlings were evicted from).

But NOW, to the matter of the birds in the chimney cap. First of all, let me tell you that it appears that the people who design chimney caps have absolutely NO clue! Why would anyone design something that is SO important to keep out critters that could get in it and threaten the lives of the human occupants of the home by subjecting them to carbon monoxide poisoning because they have crammed the chimney cap (and chimney pipe) full of their nesting materials?

For those of you who may suffer the same horrific circumstance at some point in time, here are detailed instructions for getting bird nesting materials out of your chimney cap (and chimney pipe to boot!):

Start right off with some nasty words for the birds who have just wasted half of your day (and well into the evening too) when you SHOULD have been inside working on your back porch floor.

As you get to the tippy top of your 32' extension ladder, ask your wife to stand on the bottom rung to hold the ladder down!

Remember that your wife is NOT a fool;

Wife gets the Jeep and positions it so that the front bumper is up against the ladder, just in case!

After pulling out as much nesting material as you can, remove the chimney cap from the pipe.

Start pulling out nesting material and throw it into the wind.

Note that there is nesting material stuffed down into the chimney pipe which is beyond your reach!

Get down from the ladder and find a piece of sturdy wire so that you can use it to help get out more nesting material which you also throw into the wind.

Now, yell at your wife for having a dentist's appointment (which has been scheduled for 3 weeks) and having to take the Jeep away from the ladder.

Get down from the ladder now seeing as the Jeep and the wife are backing out of the driveway!

Spend the next 45 minutes looking for your pair of pliers (that you never find until hours later when you are no longer looking for them and you didn't really need anyway).

Okay, so while you are doing whatever it is that you are doing, your wife has been strapped into the dentist chair and is the proud owner of a new cap on one of her teeth.

Okay, now that you are STILL doing whatever it is that you are doing while your wife is away...

Wife has completed her stint in the dentist's chair, and she is headed for the local hardware store to find a solution to the problem of the poorly designed chimney cap. Luckily, she is thinking about the chimney problem all the way there when suddenly she has a brainstorm! Didn't we buy a Weedeater leaf blower/vacuum over a month ago that we haven't yet used? Maybe we can either BLOW out or SUCK out the remaining nesting materials with it? Think, think, think.

Wife arrives at the hardware store and looks at new chimney caps. One is fairly-well designed (at least it looks bird-proof). Unfortunately, it won't fit our chimney pipe, and besides -- it is $45.00 (damned birds anyway). Look at all of the chimney caps. Nope, none will fit or aren't any better than what you already have. Think, think, think. Okay, here's an idea! Buy 6 feet of bright aluminum screen which is 3 feet wide (more than you'll need, but get extra just in case your idea was good but you goofed it up on your first attempt and need to try again.) Oh yes, and purchase a big worm-drive hose clamp (to hold the screen on the cap once you've actually figured out how to cover the cap with the screen). Oh, and don't forget to pick up a small bottle of "Stable" while you are there so that your husband can add it to the gasoline that the guy who just sold you the $400.00 snow blower at a garage sale put in it so that he could start it up and show his potential customers that it actually runs! $14.00 and some odd change later, get back into your Jeep and head back home to see what your husband has been up to while you were gone.

Arrive at home to find husband spitting and sputtering on the back porch, trying to figure out why it is that the HUGE cupboard that you said you got all of the screw out of that held it to the wall will not budge so that he can move it to a different area of the back porch so that he can ultimately tear out the remainder of the 1/2" plywood sub-flooring and replace it with 3/4" plywood, etc.

Look inside the cupboard in search of more screws... can't find any? Grab a crowbar and try prying the damned thing away from the wall!! Still won't budge? Have husband wrench it from side to side until a board cracks inside (revealing what seems to be more screws which are screwed into the wall).

Tear out the shelf that sits on the board that cracked when your husband wrenched the cupboard from side to side.

Now that the shelf is out, remove the two offending screws. Oops, one of them won't come out, so just yank the cupboard away from the wall now and hammer the screw back through later.

Next, move the HUGE cupboard. What, it won't move? You built it on a base that will have to be removed before it can be moved? What were you thinking????

Smash up the base boards and have your wife help you move the damned cupboard anyhoo!

Start ripping up the sub-flooring. As far as instructions for for this step go, you'll have to figure it out on your own seeing as these instructions are only intended to be the steps involved in removing bird nesting materials from your chimney cap and chimney.

Have your wife hand-feed you a peanut butter and banana sandwich so you can keep working on the sub-flooring removal project.

Have wife figure out how to use the new leaf blower/vacuum as well as cover the chimney cap with the screen that she bought at the hardware earlier today.

Congratulate wife on TWO excellent ideas -- i.e. leaf blower/sucker & chimney cap screen covering (which she aced on the first try)!

After you have ripped out the rest of the sub-flooring, you will need to be aware that it is now 6:00 P.M., and you only have a few hours of daylight left in order to finish cleaning the chimney out.

A few steps back you should have been smart enough to turn the gas hot water heater off, but you only turned it to pilot.

Climb back up the ladder with the 10 pound leaf blower which is now in SUCK mode, complete with a bag to catch the offending nesting materials. Place SUCKER in chimney pipe and turn it on.

Suck out all that you can reach. Meanwhile, have your wife figure out that she needs to be in the basement to see what is happening while you are on the roof SUCKING on the chimney pipe.

Have wife report that the SUCKER is pulling air out of the basement and that the hot water heater still seems to be running. Remember the part about carbon monoxide poisoning that was mentioned earlier?

Shut off the hot water heater!

Remove the vent pipes from the furnace and the hot water heater and plug the connections where they go into the chimney pipe in the basement with some old towels.

Return to the roof via the 32' extension ladder and SUCK some more. What? You don't think that you got it all out yet? Where is your flashlight? What? The batteries are low? Why haven't you charged it lately? What? Where is your mini-mag light? What? You can't find it? How many times have you torn your drawer apart looking for it? HOW many? And you still can't find it? HOW loud and long can you yell? (Wife thinking: Hmmmm....when was the last time that it was used? Hmmmmm.....think, think, think. Well, I think that maybe it was used to look into my mouth after the dentist had pulled out that darned broken molar of mine back on April 29th? Perhaps it got put in MY drawer in the bathroom?

Wife: take mini-mag light to husband so that he can attach it to the string of the chalk line to dangle down the chimney pipe to see if all of the offending nesting material has been removed yet. What? There is STILL more in there? Now what? Okay, so try the wire again. What? You're still picking out more? EGAD! How many weeks do you think it took those sparrows to collect and insert that much grass into the chimney cap until it filled the cap and pipe enough that they could actually put some eggs on top of it? What? You don't think that they were done yet? EGAD!!

Get down from ladder now, and be sure to take the SUCKER with you to the basement. Insert SUCKER into the chimney pipe and turn it on. SUCK like hell. What? There is still more in there? Try, try again, but this time, jam it in as far as you can get it.

Remove SUCKER and inspect again, and thank your lucky stars that it looks like maybe it is all out.

Climb back up 32' ladder. Dangle flashlight-on-a-string down the chimney pipe. Be sure that wife is still in the basement so that she can tell you if anything offensive materials came down with the flashlight or not. What? She can safely say that nothing but the flashlight-on-a-string came down the chimney this time? What? How could you get so lucky after only two more hours of hard labor in the chimney-SUCKing business?

Have wife use her good household vacuum to clean out any remnants of debris in the chimney pipe in the basement.

Now you can get down off the roof (right after you have reinstalled the chimney cap that now has screen on it that will hopefully keep the birds out that are hanging around on the roof, just waiting for you to get down so that they can try to get back into the chimney cap to continue work on their nest so that they can raise more sparrows to create more havoc in this world)!

Return to the back porch project, and put down some sheets of plywood temporarily so that you and/or your spouse won't fall while trying to walk on the exposed floor joists.

Have wife help you get the 32' ladder down by having her stand on the bottom rung so that you don't drop it, inflicting great bodily harm to yourself and/or your spouse. P.S. Don't forget to move the Jeep first!!

Muscle the 32' ladder into the barn and leave it on the floor to be put away some other day because by now you are completely and totally exhausted and your knees and shins and thigh muscles are all screaming after having gone up and down that darned 32' ladder 20 times today (at the very least)!

Don't forget to reattach the furnace and hot water heater vent pipes to the chimney vent and turn the hot water heater back on because you are definitely going to want (and need) a HOT shower!

Have your wife whip up some tuna sandwiches seeing as neither of you have had anything more than a half of a peanut butter and banana sandwich all day long!

Devour the tuna sandwiches and whatever else your wife might have put on the table, but be sure to leave the placemat and silverware (not for human consumption, you know).

Let your wife shower first because you always use all of the hot water up while taking your 10-15 minute shower!

Get dressed (or not) and drop into your favorite chair to watch some mindless TV program before hitting the sack for some much-needed rest before you have to return to your regular job tomorrow to rest up after your day off!

Almost forgot the most important step: Be sure to PRAY that the screen on the chimney cap remains intact until you can locate one that is bird-proof!

If you are contemplating a day off from work, we suggest that you simply get up in the morning, jump in your car, and fly the coop!

Birdie and Steve

Grandma Bird's Blah-de-Blah

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Progress? on the back porch project

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Our Trip to Ohio Amish Country

How does your garden grow?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The JOYS of home ownership!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day 2009

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